its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
