Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
