Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
