how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
