I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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