I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
