My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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