He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
