she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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