His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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