I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
