I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
