oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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