I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
