Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
