i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
