You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
