You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
