Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
