I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
