Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
