My friends, they love my intelligence
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize