just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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