im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
