That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
