I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
