we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
not ubering you a puppy
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
