I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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