Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
