I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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