Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
