Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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