i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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