Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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