Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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