Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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