so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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