I could make wine with my vomit
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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