you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
