and you said cock pushups were impossible
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
