Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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