i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he puts the penis in happiness.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize