life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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