some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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