Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
