Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
