i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize