He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I can't put those talents on a resume
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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