I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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