I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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