Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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