She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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