At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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