the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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