The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
