You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
