hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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