sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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