you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize