please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
