if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
How's work?
Spinning.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
