Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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